Fear Stole 10 Years Of My Life
The Beginning, I mean not really the beginning. The real beginning was October 1st, 1983 the day I was born, but the beginning of a decade of shame, pain, hurt, heartache, paralyzing fear and teeny, tiny bits of joy in between all the shitty stuff.
I thought I was being brave with my life traveling alone to a country I had never been for a week to teach yoga on the beach. Then I saw this man scaling a palm tree, with his bare feet hugging the smooth trunk without a harness. He had a machete in his back pocket, and when he reached the top he took out the machete and began cutting down branches from the top of a 50 foot palm tree. Holy shit that man is being brave with his life!
Remember your dreams and fight for them. You must know what you want from life. There is just one thing that makes your dream become impossible: the fear of failure.Paulo Coelho
In that moment I was brought right back down off my high brave horse. I was actually not being brave with my physical life at all. I have always been a safety keeper never taken much risk, no surprise I married a man who is now an insurance broker (risk manager). Well the truth is I married an unemployed man who loved me and my daughter fiercely. That’s a story for another day. Back to my point, I have always kept it safe never done drugs, not because they are illegal, because I was too afraid of feeling out of control, haven’t jumped out of a plane, off a mountain, never been on a motorcycle and every time one zooms by on the highway I remind my 4 kids how dangerous they are and they are NEVER going to ride on one. Oh yes 4 kids…..I have 4 kids. That’s a lot of kids. I don’t even like kids that much but I do fiercely love mine. Ok that sounds bad, let me explain myself. I am not one of those people who would go play with a group of children who are not my own. My husband on the other hand totally loves kids, all kids not just ours and not in a creepy way, he’s just a big fun kid himself.
Let me get back on track. I did take one big risk in 2005 that paralyzed me from making any other decisions, taking any more chances, sleeping through the night, being happy for 10 years. My entire 20’s. It still hurts as I write this post to think about how I spent my entire 20’s surviving my life each day because one decision.
That decision, I purchased tanning salons and went $820K in debt at 21. Yes, salon(s) I mean if 1 business wasn’t enough for someone who had no business owning a business why not start with 2. Typing this paragraph reminds me how real it all was. Honestly somedays it all seems like a bad, long dream that I couldn’t wake up from. When I was 21 and purchased my stores tanning was cool, as a mom and adult with more knowledge and life under my belt tanning is bad, it causes skin cancer, aging, and I want nothing to do with it.
I owned a business for 14 years and for the majority of those years morally felt like what I did was wrong and hurting people. That’s why I didn’t sleep well at night. I hate that it’s my story, and I am not one that believes everything happens for a reason. I do believe in Karma and I know I survived those 14 years, paid every cent I owed to the SBA back, to help women and moms on the other side of the giant mountain I climbed.
I may not be able to scale a palm tree, but I know now that I can climb my way over, under, through anything in life. It took me paying off the SBA to finally feel free from fear, and have the confidence to trust myself to make decisions. It makes me sad that I allowed fear to control me for so many years.
That is way I write this blog post, that is why I share my story and truth, because if I would have known what I do now one bad decision wouldn’t have stolen 10 years of my life. I would have been able to create a plan and been brave enough to face my fears and live a life I would have loved. I want to help women find their true purpose here on this Earth and live each day without regret and with deep gratitude and intention. You must start living a life you love today because there’s no rewind button. Friends now is the time to be honest and brave with yourself and your life.
Much Love & Gratitude,